Bad Movies

There’s something wired into our brains that drives us to make
connections between seemlingly unconnected items or events. It’s almost
as if we’re compelled to make associations. This desire
to place patterns on everything is stronger than you may think. Why else do
we play our children’s birthdays as lottery numbers, or have a
superstition, or read horoscopes? Why else would someone keep trying to
figure out their in-laws? I suppose it’s some sort of cosmic joke on
the human
race: "You will spend all together too much time looking for a thread
of consistency that may not even exist. Oh, and you will also be afraid
of spiders." (okay, the last one is just for me).

Back
in college my roommate and I had plenty of time. Families and real jobs
were still a few years away, so we spent our time considering the
implications of associations across the universe. At this time we both worked at a video
rental store and the store located next to us sold frozen yogurt. It was
marketed as the new treat and the people who served it were
just so excited about it that they would give tastes away for free. And
not only did they offer free tastes, but they insisted. This seemed strange to us because we had just seen The Stuff. We made an association to these two seemlingly unrelated events.

The Stuff
is a fun movie, albeit one that can drive paranoid association makers
crazy. It’s directed by Larry Cohen, the mind behind classic screen gems including It’s Alive, Q, and God Told Me To. It’s a story about a material that looks like
marshmallow creme that bubbles up out of the earth. What does the
first person do when he encounters it? Well, he tastes it. That’s
right, he finds a pool of white "stuff" in the ground and he puts it in
his mouth. Hmm. And as a reward for this "only-in-the-movies" action,
it takes over his body. Okay, now even I have trouble buying this
opening, but its a plot device that gets us into the movie, so I’ll let
it go.

Soon we find out that the Stuff can grab any idiot by the brains who will put it in
his mouth. And by doing so, it creates quite an army of Stuff
Zombies. A fun aspect of the movie is that they’re only normal on the
surface. Beneath the surface, we discover they’re full of the Stuff
(and we even get to see it come out of them in a quite a few scenes). But in order for it to really reach the mass
adoption rate it requires for total domination of the planet, the stuff
needs the Madison Avenue treatment. So apparently it locates some
agency people and becomes The STUFF®. It even gets a tagline: "Enough is not Enough with The STUFF®."

Once it’s marketed on television commercials, The STUFF® is in everyone’s houses (rapidly replacing all other food in their refrigerators). "Normal" people begin recommending it to their friends…and parents to their kids. There are some creepy scenes when a kid refuses to eat it even though his entire family keeps pushing it and pushing it at him (remember the frozen yogurt story??)

"Go ahead, try some."

Plot devices drive this child (Scott Bloom from Who’s the Boss) to team up with our heroes Michael Moriarty (as a corporate spy trying to find out the secret recipe of The STUFF®, Andrea Marcovicci (an ad agency rep in the irritating female lead role), Garret Morris (as Chocolate Chip Charlie, kung fu expert and cookie maker put out of busines by The STUFF®), and Paul Sovino (head of a ultraconservative paramilitary outfit). The pitch meeting for this movie must have been one for the ages. This ragtag group of misfits finally stops the marketing might of The STUFF® and saves the world. I recently picked up this movie and rediscovered just how fun it is. It’s got a great paranoid feel to it and actually has some decent commentary on how substances that aren’t healthy are literally shoved down our throats by advertising and marketing. I know that Bad Movies don’t usually have relevant points to make, but this one actually does. But then it slinks back to where it came from and gives us some great icky scenes.

Back when we were in college, we saw The Stuff as a
cautionary tale, a warning of sorts of what can happen when you don’t
think for yourself. We pledged never to eat something that just might
be The STUFF® in hiding. For us, it was frozen yogurt. As it was
offered, we politely declined always saying the same thing: "When the
world goes to hell, we’ll be the only sane ones left to save it."

PROS

• Sneaks in a few actual messages
• Features a number of decent actors acting silly
• Great special effects — make sure you watch for Garrett Morris’ big scene at the end

CONS

• It ends way too quickly and cleanly…it’s almost like the scriptwriter ran out of ink

Bottom Line
This
is a rare find: a bad movie that also has some decent comments to make.
Plus it’s a fun movie. Just remember to stay away from the frozen
yogurt.

Way back in the 1970s ABC introduced a novel idea: The ABC Movie of the Week.
These little gems were not the exactly the highest form of the movie art, but they were
original. Case in point: the Movie of the Week where an older woman discovers a young girl
buried alive under her lawn but can’t convince anyone she’s there…is she losing her mind? At their height, the Movies of the Week actually
outnumbered the
theatrical releases for the year. You have to love it when something
overcomes its inherent shortcomings by overwhelming numbers. Kind of
like the products of Microsoft. Or the subject of the movie Phase IV: ants.

After
a few years, ABC realized that even with minimal production values
and after plumbing the depth of the most B-list of actors, it was just too
expensive to continue creating original Movies of the Week. But
the marketing was done, and they had these cool animated opening sequences all created so
they switched to running theatrical releases instead. I remember first
seeing Phase IV
on the ABC Movie of the Week during this time. Phase IV
had a theatrical release in a purely academic sense. It was a movie bound
to be shown on TV, in fact you almost expect to see blank spots where the
commercials would be placed. That said, I have fond memories of the night I watched
it, curled up under a blanket, drinking in the delicious undercurrent of terror that builds as the
story plays out.

The story starts with a leap. A leap of logic, that is. In an awkward narration, it tells us that something
happens in outerspace that causes a change to occur in the ants on
Earth. A quick aside here: I’ve also read the book and it was
an alien intelligence. But in the movie, it’s chalked up to the mysterious something.
Immediately following this fumbling exposition, we’re treated to the first of many nicely
filmed scenes of the stars: the ants. We see the ants of the world
meeting in the Ramada board room of the ant world. It’s a neat scene with the ants facing each other in a circle
in a sort of world congress of ants…black and red and green and
yellow all discussing their eventual takeover of the planet.

The film’s human protagonists, Michael Murphy (a great character actor remembered best in the title role of Tanner ’88)
and Nigel Davenport (a British actor not really remembered for
anything) seal themselves in a geodesic dome located in the desert to
fight the black, red, green, and yellow menace. These two are quite a
pair–one is the intelligent "we-must-communicate-with-the-ants" type
while
the other launches an attack immediately by taking a grenade gun to
destroy the little
critters’ structures. This Hannity/Colmes relationship is thrown a curve when
a beautiful young girl enters the picture. She’s the sole
survivor
of a lethal chemical attack launched by the two brainiacs outside the
dome as her and her family desperately try to get in. She’s
played by Lynne Frederick, best remembered as the wife of Peter Sellers
who sued the makers of Trail of the Pink Panther over
the fact that it was disrespectful to his memory. She should’ve sued
over the fact that it was a horrible movie (to be eclipsed only by the job Steve Martin
will do when he tackles the role next year).

Phase IV has some great filmwork of the ants. This takes me back to my college days when my roommate discovered The Hellstrom Chronicles and watched it a few thousand times. There are downright memorable scenes in Phase IV, on par with a PBS episode of Nature.
First, there is a great shot of a praying mantis
sneaking up on an unaware worker ant, catching him, and ripping him
apart. This is followed by the ant’s friend (a nasty poisoned green
fellow) attacking and killing
the mantis. Second, the world’s most amazing tracking shot follows the
same green ant as he makes his way up Fredrick’s body from the tip of
her toe to her chin while she sleeps. Then there is the one that scared
me as a kid: the
ants dig a deep hole and cover it like a Burmese tiger trap. The walls
of this trap are lined with thousands of tiny holes, and when a human
drops in, thousands of ants pour out of the holes to attack him.
There’s also an incredibly realistic shot of ants pouring out of a hole
in the palm of a victim’s hand. All in all, a very visceral movie
visually, even by today’s standards.

So much like Phase IV’s big brother sci-fi movies of the time 2001: A Space Odyssey and The Andromedia Strain,
this movie tries to be deep and philosophical. But in the end, it all ends up bad for the human race. In that
way it shares more with the mood of Soylent Green or Planet of the Apes. So if you’re in a dire mood and want to get freaked out by some creepy ants, go find Phase IV.

PROS

• Amazing ant shots
• Lots of fun with the technology of the day…including computers that won’t work when the heat rises above 90 degrees
• Pseudoscience abounds and is easy picking for clever minds

CONS

• Has the ability to make you feel like ants are crawling over your shoulder

BOTTOM LINE
This one is somewhat hard to find now, as it’s not officially released on DVD. Keep looking though, it’s a great period piece.

Way back in the 1970s ABC introduced a novel idea: The ABC Movie of the Week.
These were not the highest form of the movie art, but they were
original (like the one where an older woman discovers a young girl
buried alive under her lawn). And at their height, they outnumbered the
theatrical releases for the year. You have to love it when something
overcomes its inherent shortcomings by sheer overwhelming numbers. For
example, the products of Microsoft. Or, the subject of Phase IV: ants.

I remember first seeing Phase IV
in the seventies. It was an ABC Movie of the Week, after they stopped
doing original movies and just started showing theatrical movies. Phase IV
had a theatrical release in purely academic sense. It was a movie bound
to be shown on TV. You almost expect to see blank spots where the
commercials are. That said, I have fond memories of the night I watched
it, drinking in the delicious undercurrent of terror that builds as the
story plays out.

The story starts with a leap. A leap of logic, that is. It tells us that something
happens in outerspace that causes a change to occur in the ants on
Earth. A quick aside here: I’ve also read the book the movie and it was
an alien intelligence. But in the movie, it’s just something.
Immediately after this setup, we’re treated to the first of many nicely
filmed scenes of the stars: the ants. We see the ants of the world
meeting. It’s a neat scene with the ants facing each other in a circle
in a sort of world congress of ants…black and red and green and
yellow all discussing their eventual takeover of the planet.

The film’s human protagonists Michael Murphy (a great character actor I remember best in the title role of Tanner ’88)
and Nigel Davenport seal themselves in a geodesic dome in the desert to
fight the black, red, green, and yellow menace. They’re quite a pair,
one is the intelligent "We must communicate with the ants" type while
the other immediately takes a grenade gun to destroy the little
critters’ structures. The hawk/dove relationship is thrown another
curve when a beautiful young girl enters the picture. She’s the sole
survivor of a lethal chemical attack launched by the two brainiacs
outside the dome as her and her family desperately try to get in. She’s
played by Lynne Frederick, best remembered as the wife of Peter Sellers
who sued the makers of Trail of the Pink Panther over
the fact that it was disrespectful to his memory. She should’ve sued
over the fact that it was a horrible movie (to be eclipsed only by the incredibly inept job Steve Martin
will do when he tackles the role next year).

Phase IV has some great filmwork of the ants. This takes me back to my college days when my room mate discovered The Hellstrom Chronicles and watched it a few hundred times. But there are downright memorable scenes in Phase IV, on par with a PBS episode of Nature. First, there is a great shot of a praying mantis
sneaking up on an unaware worker, catching him, and ripping him apart.
However, the ant’s friend (a nasty poisoned green fellow) attacks
the mantis. Second, the world’s most amazing tracking shot follows the
same green ant as he makes his way up Fredrick’s body from the tip of
her toe to her chin. Then there is the one that scared me as a kid: the
ants dig a deep hole and cover it like a Burmese Tiger Trap. Except
this trap is lined with thousands of tiny holes, and when a human
unfortunately drops in, thousands of ants pour out of the holes.
There’s also an incredibly realistic shot of ants pouring out of a hole
in the palm of a victim’s hand. All in all, a very visceral movie
visually, even by today’s standards.

So much like Phase IV’s big brother sci-fi movies 2001: A Space Odyssey and The Andromedia Strain, this movie tries to be deep and philosophical at the end. But basically, it ends up bad with no good news for the human race. In that way, it shares a mood with Soylent Green. So if you’re in a dire mood, and want to get freaked out by a bunch of bugs, go find Phase IV.

PROS

• Amazing ant shots
• Lots of fun with the technology of the day…including computers that won’t work when the heat rises above 90 degrees
• Pseudoscience abounds and is easy picking for clever minds to make fun of

CONS

• Drags towards the end
• Has the ability to make you feel like an ant is crawling over your shoulder

BOTTOM LINE
This one is somewhat hard to find nowdays, as it’s not officially released on DVD. Keep looking though, it’s worth the effort.

It doesn’t matter if it’s set in China, Denmark, or Toledo, a classic story is a classic story. Duel to the Death has classic written all over it. Classic in scope: a competiion between the two best fighters from Japan and China. Classic in drama: a magistrate and his daughter who disguises herself as a man — these two meander through a relationship that ends in a pure Shakespearean tragedy. Classic in action: a boatload of sword fights. Oh, and Classic in NINJAS! Yep, this one is the definitive cool ninja movie.

Even though Duel to the Death wasn’t marketed as a ninja movie, that didn’t stop it from becoming a definitive piece on this wonderful culture. Just like in real life, the ninjas in the movie exist as a gang of ultra-bad guys, decked out in black, disappearing at will, throwing tons of ninja stars, and basically being totally cool. They also show some interesting new skills in this flick. They have the ability to appear out of the ground, combine together to form a giant ninja, ride handmade square kites, and appear as women. Oh, and they explode, split apart, and become smoke too.

This would be enough for a cool movie, but there’s also the main plot line about two master sword fighters from two different schools…one from Japan, one from China. In true Asian cinema fashion, these "best of the best" come together to compete and discover which is better. The film first offers us a backstory on each fighter and in very non-typical Asian cinema fashion, calmly introduces new richly-detailed characters. Despite the cultural clashes, the two main characters become friends and find themselves working together (against the ninjas). But they know that they will eventually need to face each other in the final battle. It’s as if Butch and Sundance went to Greece instead of Bolivia and become Gladiators. And just for the record, if they ever decide to film that movie, I mentioned it first.

PROS

• Beautifully shot and choregraphed
• Decent acting with likeable, well-developed characters
• Plot is intelligent, dealing with concepts like honor and betrayal
• One of the main characters has two fake legs
• Did I mention the Ninjas?
  

CONS

• The english dubbing is pretty bad – read the subtitles if you can

BOTTOM LINE
This sword battle flick delivers the goods with a great story and great characters. And it’s got ninjas in it.

It doesn’t matter if it’s set in China, Denmark, or Toledo, a classic story is a classic story. Duel to the Death
has classic written all over it. Classic in scope: a competiion between
the two best fighters from Japan and China. Classic in drama: a
magistrate and his daughter who disguises herself as a man — these two
meander through a relationship that ends in a pure Shakespearean tragedy. Classic in action: a boatload of sword fights. Oh, and Classic
in NINJAS! Yep, this one is the definitive cool ninja movie.

Even though Duel to the Death wasn’t marketed as a ninja movie, that didn’t stop it from becoming
a definitive piece on this wonderful culture. Just like in real life,
the ninjas in the movie exist as a gang of ultra-bad guys, decked out in
black, disappearing at will, throwing tons of ninja stars, and
basically being totally cool. They also show some interesting new
skills in this flick. They have the ability to appear out of the
ground, combine together to form a giant ninja, ride handmade square kites, and appear as women. Oh, and they explode, split apart, and become smoke too.

This
would be enough for a cool movie, but there’s also the main plot line
about two master sword fighters from two different schools…one from
Japan, one from China. In true Asian cinema fashion, these "best of the
best" come together to compete and discover which is better. The film
first offers us a backstory on each fighter and in very non-typical Asian
cinema fashion, calmly introduces new richly-detailed characters. Despite the cultural clashes, the two main
characters become friends and find themselves working together (against the ninjas). But they know that
they will eventually need to face each other in the final battle. It’s as if Butch and Sundance went to Greece instead of Bolivia and become Gladiators. And just for the record, if they ever decide to film that movie, I mentioned it first.

PROS

• Beautifully shot and choregraphed
• Decent acting with likeable, well-developed characters
• Plot is intelligent, dealing with concepts like honor and betrayal
• One of the main characters has two fake legs
• Did I mention the Ninjas?
  

CONS

• The english dubbing is pretty bad – read the subtitles if you can

BOTTOM LINE
This sword battle flick delivers the goods with a great story and great characters. And it’s got ninjas in it.

It doesn’t matter if it’s set in China, Denmark, or Toledo, a classic story is a classic story. Duel to the Death has classic written all over it. Classic in scope: a competiion between the two best fighters from Japan and China. Classic in drama: a magistrate and his daughter who disguises herself as a man — these two meander through a relationship that ends in a pure Shakespearean tragedy. Classic in action: a boatload of sword fights. Oh, and Classic in NINJAS! Yep, this one is the definitive cool ninja movie.

Even though Duel to the Death wasn’t marketed as a ninja movie, that didn’t stop it from becoming a definitive piece on this wonderful culture. Just like in real life, the ninjas in the movie exist as a gang of ultra-bad guys, decked out in black, disappearing at will, throwing tons of ninja stars, and basically being totally cool. They also show some interesting new skills in this flick. They have the ability to appear out of the ground, combine together to form a giant ninja, ride handmade square kites, and appear as women. Oh, and they explode, split apart, and become smoke too.

This would be enough for a cool movie, but there’s also the main plot line about two master sword fighters from two different schools…one from Japan, one from China. In true Asian cinema fashion, these "best of the best" come together to compete and discover which is better. The film first offers us a backstory on each fighter and in very non-typical Asian cinema fashion, calmly introduces new richly-detailed characters. Despite the cultural clashes, the two main characters become friends and find themselves working together (against the ninjas). But they know that they will eventually need to face each other in the final battle. It’s as if Butch and Sundance went to Rome instead of Bolivia and become Gladiators. And just for the record, if they ever decide to film that movie, I mentioned it first.

PROS

• Beautifully shot and choregraphed
• Decent acting with likeable, well-developed characters
• Plot is intelligent, dealing with concepts like honor and betrayal
• One of the main characters has two fake legs
• Did I mention the Ninjas?
  

CONS

• The english dubbing is pretty bad – read the subtitles if you can

BOTTOM LINE
This sword battle flick delivers the goods with a great story and great characters. And it’s got a bunch of cool ninjas in it.

NOTE
For more information about Ninjas, go to the ever-compelling website Real Ultimate Power. Cut through the hype and the media bias to find out the real story about Ninjas.

A film with a tagline of "It’s like a bad horror movie…only worse" will always pique my interest. Dead and Breakfast is a lighthearted zombie romp that has folks buzzing.

Dead and Breakfast has been marketed to be in the vein of Shaun of the Dead which is probably not a fair comparison as it opts for dumb humor vs. the dry British humor in Shaun. A comparison to Peter Jackson’s Dead Alive would be closer.

PROS

• Tons of fun gore (rumored to have used over 30 gallons of fake blood!)
• Better acting than you’d expect from a bad horror movie
• A few novel twists

CONS

• Takes a bit to get going…stick with it

BOTTOM LINE

• Overall, a fun zombie movie that doesn’t take itself too seriously.
  

FAVORITE QUOTE
"Is that true? Did you sleep with my sister?"
"He doesn’t know what he’s talking about – He’s possessed!"

NOTE
The film is getting nationwide distribution by Anchor Bay Entertainment, a great distributor of forgotten movies, horror gems, and old TV show. Support them if you like these types of movies.

2005…a year that looks great in Roman numerals:
MMV. It’s got all
those great points and angles–it sort of looks like a saw to me. Which
reminds me of Saw II, which is due out later this year. The first Saw,
a pretty decent piece of trashy cinema, was perfectly self-contained.
Cary Elwes, a surgeon, faces the
dilemma of whether or not to creatively use a hacksaw to free himself from a saw-proof
ankle chain so he can save his family. Unfortunately, things don’t
work out too cleanly for him, and thanks to a deus ex machina
tour de force, we learn the identity of the main bad guy at the very
end of the movie. Game over.

My list of unneccessary remakes for 2005

• Bewitched – Twinkle twinkle twinkle…bomb!
  
• The Dukes of Hazzard – Yee-awful
  
• The Longest Yard – three and out
• The Honeymooners – bad even by my standards
  
• 
  The Bad News Bears – bad, despite eerie recasting of the Tanner kid
• Herbie: Fully Loaded – there are now more Herbie movies than Superbowls
  
• Charlie and the Chocolate Factory – say what you will about this movie, Depp is just plain creepy
  

Sometimes
filmmakers don’t even try…they just steal concepts. Take the
following plotline: a group of impossibly beautiful scientists and
adventurers
decend to a netherworld of monsters. That’s the story for the 2005
movie The Descent. And it’s the story of the 2005 movie The Cave.
Neil
Marshall, who gave us the enjoyable Dog Soldiers offers up The Descent
and it’s probably the better of the two. But come on people…if this
trend continues, we may have to watch multiple movies featuring a smooth voiceover narration by Morgan
Freeman. Oh wait a minute, that already happened (War of the Worlds, March of the Penguins, Unleashed, etc.)

My Top Ten List of 2005 Movies

10. Because of Winn-Dixie – I liked it, so what? You want to make something of it?
9. Robots and Madagascar – a couple of fun animated flicks

8. Revenge of the Sith – Lucas rediscovers how to tell a story. Finally.

7. The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy and Kung Fu Hustle – Pure fun fun fun

6. Murderball – Player leaves team and comes back as opponent’s coach
5. Danny the Dog or Unleashed – Inplausible story with incredible fight scenes
4. The Life Aquatic – Wes Anderson hits another one out of the water park
3. The Land of the Dead – Romero + sympathetic zombies = pure gory greatness

2. The Devil’s Rejects – This is how they made movies in the 70s…de-licious!

1. Sin City – Rodriguez and Miller’s living comic book is a noir masterpiece

Honorable mention to Batman Begins, but as Bruce Campbell said, "Begins? Shouldn’t that be movie 1 instead of movie 6 in a series?" Also Ong Bak, released in 2003, but out in the States in 2005 — absolutely incredible stunt-wise ("no wires, no stuntment, and no cgi").

My list of Incredibly Boring Movies for 2005
C’mon filmmakers, if I want enlightenment, I’ll go to church. All I
ask for is something interesting for the two hours I’m giving you –
entertain me, dammit.

• The Constant Gardner – Ralph Fiennes = boring boring boring
• Broken Flowers – I like Murray + Jarmusch, but this is like watching paint dry
• An Unfinished Life – Hated it when it was called The Shipping News. A couple extra bear maulings could’ve made it interesting
• Must Love Dogs – Must hate this movie
• Last Days – Good God, if Kurt Cobain knew Van Sant would make this movie, he’d have never killed himself
  

Footnote
There are some 2005 flicks that I still want to see that I didn’t consider. These include:

• Ring Two
• 
  Fantastic Four
• Brothers Grimm
• 
  Four Brothers
• Lord of War
• Corpse Bride

In addition, we have Peter Jackson’s King Kong coming this December (even though I doubt it can compare to the Guillermin or K.K. Vs. Godzilla versions).

Okay, it’s confession time. There’s just something I love about that cable
televisoin commercial for Ben Franklin. Mabye it’s the compelling video showing the lovely stucco
exterior of the store (so in case I can’t read the sign I’ll
know I’m there), or the shots of shelves just jam-packed with all sorts
of crafty goodness. Actually, I think it’s the cheesy guy
singing the theme song: It’s time to get cre-a-tive…Ben Franklin Crafts. Whatever it is, that commercial is a guilty pleasure and I long for it to come on every night.

Same thing with Race With the Devil. Honestly, I can’t tell you why I love this little piece of
cinematic weirdness. I just do. With a story
oozed from the pen of Wes Bishop (who gave us The Thing with Two Heads
– see earlier Bruce Campbell post) and directed by Jack Starrett, a
man with an impressive television pedigree (ranging from episodes of
the Dukes of Hazzard to Beyond Westworld), this is a cautionary tale of evil and how one should keep one’s nose out of it.

These
two visionaries bring together a great cast in Peter Fonda, Warren
Oates, Loretta Swit, and Lara Parker. Fonda and Oates procure a monster
RV, load up the women, some gear, and a couple dirtbikes and hit the road for a
much-needed vacation in Colorado.
While sharing a moonlight walk, the two men witness something strange. They soon realize
that, yes, what they saw was indeed what they thought they saw: an honest to goodness Satanic ritual. The
Satanists engage in active pursuit of the couples and much hilarity ensues.

The fun in
this movie results from the "who can you trust?" paranoia that grows as
the film progresses. Should the heroes confide in the Sheriff? How
about the mechanics? Is the little old lady all she seems to be? It’s a
simple plot device that, sprinkled with some great car/RV/motorcycle chases, equates to an out-of-the-park homerun of a movie.

As a postscript, I spent this weekend in my hometown.
Hadn’t been there in a number of years, but in the days preceeding the
trip a flood of memories came back. I remembered the Ben Franklin store
of my youth. It had a wonderful toy section and I spent many hours
coveting the Six Million Dollar Man and Planet of the Apes actions
figures there. They also had the ultra-cool 18" Alien toy on the top
shelf. I never could convince my parents how much I really needed that.
Turns out it was considered too creepy for most parents and was pulled
within a year. Now they go for big bucks on eBay. This weekend, one of my hopes was that I could stroll back into BF and
find a dusty Alien in a corner, still with a $11.99 price sticker.
Hell, maybe I’d even buy two. Unfortunately, someone else beat me to it
– the Ben Franklin was now an Asian Market.

PROS

• Warren Oates stars in it — one should never miss an Oates film
• Rumored to use real Satanists as extras — see if you can pick ‘em out

CONS

• Some acting is over the top. But it’s also the seventies, so get over it

THE BOTTOM LINE
Story really clips along…a very fun movie. Go get it.

Note: Yet another movie headed for remake city. I hope they use real Satanists in this one too.

Movies can really take you back in time. And I’m not talking about those messy historical epics like Troy, Alexander, or The Alamo. I mean the way they can take you back to the great times of your life. Back when staying up late meant conquering the night. Back when cable boxes had a cord, push buttons, and a little "A-B" rocker arm. Back when the USA Network used to run a movie two times in a row to fill their programming time at night.

The Inglorious Bastards was one of those movies. A heady romp through WWII with a cast pulled from Walking Tall and any of a number of black exploitation movies, the titles of which would have this blog shut down by the NAACP faster than you could say "Buford T. Pusser." Lead by Mr. Pusser himself (Bo Svenson), these Bastards were a rag-tag group of miltary prisoners, heading to the brig for various and sundry crimes. But before you can say "plot device," they escape, come upon and kill a group of German soldiers (who in fact are undercover allied forces), and take their place in a super secret and (ultimately deadly) mission all in a very Dirty Dozen sort of way. But hey, don’t be too rough on them…this is Italian cinema afterall.

So what makes this movie so near and dear to me? Besides the fact that it rocks, it takes me back to a time when I was a geeky 11 year old kid visiting my ultra-cool cousin in Des Moines. Trips to this big city were few and far between so each one gained an almost epic quality. The journey was more than a car ride–it was a venture. During one trip I remember coming upon two separate car accidents along the way. One was still being sorted out as we passed by, but the presence of the mangled car and the milling rescue workers moving through the paces were enough to lay a silence on our car. The other was more surreal. I awoke in the backseat, unsure where I was. It was dark outside, but we were close enough to the city and things had that unreal glow to them. As I looked out my window I saw the car. It had rolled a few times and the shape had ceased to be anything car-like. The emergency staff was all gone, nobody remained at the site. All that was left was the car and one of its bucket seats, sitting pristinely on the shoulder of the highway. We passed in what seemed like slow motion and I kept wondering if the crash knocked the seat out or if someone removed it afterwards. I can call forth this memory so clearly in my mind today–it amazes me that it was nearly 30 years ago. I supposed these are the type of crap memories I’ll be stuck with when I’m a toothless geezer sitting in a home.

After arriving at my cousin’s and getting the adults off to bed, us kids grabbed the cable box and found The Inglorious Bastards. When it was over, we watched it again. When it was over again, we practiced the lines (my favorite is a perfectly-timed expletive delivered as a German guard unwittingly changes the heroes plans). It took nearly 25 years for me to find it again and I immediately showed it to a group of friends. While we all spent the 90 minutes laughing and joking about the dialog and not-so-special effects, part of me was taken back to Des Moines, laying on the floor in a sleeping bag, clicking that cable box, and trying to be cool.

PROS

• Director Enzo Castellari knows how to make great bad movie
• Cast include Bo Svenson and Fred Williamson
• Logic of actions by main characters is incredibly funny
• Watch for some great "bad" minatures work (especially the finale)

CONS

• It’s an Italian WWII flick, so expect some humor that’s misplaced both historically and geographically

Memorable Tag Line
If you’re a Kraut, they’ll take you out!

Bottom Line
It doesn’t matter if you first watched this at age 11 or 35, you’re in for a fun time.

Note
As happens too often today, this movie is due for a remake (2006). However, it may hold promise as it’s being done by Quentin Tarantino. But still, go find the original (or at least The Dirty Dozen) before watching the new one.