Bad Movies

I remember clearly the summer of 1979. I was 12 years old and very interested in all things science fiction and horror. My collection of Fangoria and Starlog magazines were second only to my huge comic book canon (which also included the few obligatory issues of Heavy Metal…hey, I was an adolescent male afterall). Those were heady times and I remember the day clearly. School was out, Project UFO was on that night, and I was sitting out in the backyard hammock reading Starlog vol 23. This was the issue with the first mention of the film Alien, a seminal movie that would stand tall against every great science fiction or horror tale ever created. This was the type of movie that would transcend genres and create a whole generation of people who would never be the same (especially after the alien-popping-out-of-John-Hurt’s-stomach scene).

It goes without saying that from that moment I just couldn’t wait to see Alien in on the big screen. However, I couldn’t convince my parents to accompany me. And because I couldn’t locate any other legal guardians wanna-bes, I was stuck. So I did what every red-blooded sixth grade sci-fi geek would do. I read the book (Alan Dean Foster, ISBN 0446829773…you can buy it used on Amazon starting at $0.01). It was well-paced and I couldn’t put it down.

While there’s probably some lesson about the power of reading and imagination, blah blah blah, my point is that by the time I actually got to see the movie, I was a bit disappointed. Where was the pacing? Where was the detail? Where was the scary alien? (Okay, the movie alien had its moments, but trust me what I imagined was a lot scarier). Most people spend 90-120 minutes at a movie. The entire buildup for me lasted over a period of years but was, in the end, a bit of a let down. A tough life lesson.

But this blog isn’t about Alien or any of the following movies in that franchise. It’s about another film called Contamination or as it’s known in Italy (and as director Lugi Cozzi wanted to call it) Alien on Earth. Contamination was released in 1980 and was immediately tagged as a cheap Eurotrash Alien ripoff. And I’m here to categorically state that is exactly what it is. It’s got blatant cheapened-down copycat bits. Where you have much of Alien set in outerspace, you get Contamination here on boring old Earth. But it also has some greatness to it.

As a plot device, Contamination features glowing throbbing alien eggs tend pop at the most inopportune times (usually when someone is nearby). These eggs look a lot like giant olives until they start throbbing and making some cool music (that sounds a bit like something from Brian Eno). When they pop they unleash snotty goo that always seems to end up on someone. In addition to causing an icky cleanup situation, this goo has a side effect on people (and rats): it causes their stomachs to burst.

For me, this is why I had always wanted to see Contamination. I had heard rumors about the gore and just had to see if it lived up to the hype. But for years you could only find it on crappy VHS in the darkest corners of independent video stores. A new release from Blue Underground restored it to its glory: 16×9 anamorphic widescreen…clear as a bell print…great sound.

The talent in this flick is centered around three actors: Ian McCulloch (the star of Zombie), Louise Marleau (Colonel Stella, a nasty "get it done" type lady with a soft side) and Marino Mase (a seasoned New York detective that can’t help cracking wise all the time). These three stumblebums work their way through a tangled "what should we do next?" script while delivering wonderful lines that must have caused a few crackups on the set ("We don’t know anything about them [the eggs] but I do know that cold will stop them.").

Contamination has a lot of lowbrow entertainment factor. It’s very reminiscent of old sci fi movies from the 50s and anyone who likes them will like this. I was glad to finally see it as the stomach popping scenes were much better than I had imagined. Unlike with Alien, my expectations were exceeded.

A quick aside … the prop that created that wonderful Alien stomach scene was
purchased by singer Chris De Burgh in 2004 for $30,000. I’m glad that
all those "Don’t Pay the Ferryman" dollars went for something good.

What’s up with the heavy-duty finger trauma in horror movies these days? Has some finger-hating group hijacked the Hollywood machine in order to push their agenda of finger removal? Is this a nefarious plot setting for the next elections when a saviour candidate will arise that will promise us "no more finger removal. And a chicken in every pot." Whatever it is, there hasn’t been a rash of extreme digit abuse that can challenge the latest wave of neo grindhouse films.

Grindhouse is a term that signifies a type of cinema that became popular in the late 50s. The salad years of the fabulously glamorous movie palaces of the golden age of Hollywood were over. Theaters began to make less money and were harder to maintain. To counter this, they made the move to cheaper movies shown more times during each day; literally "grinding" out non-stop shows throughout the day. In order to save even more money these theaters scrimped on the quality of movies, skipping past the blockbuster first runs and instead offering films of a more esoteric nature. A good many of these movies would fall into the "exploitation" genre. In seventies grindhouse became synonymous with exploitative movies of all kinds: sex, drugs, kung fu, extreme violence, etc. There were also subgenres: blaxplotiation, shock exploitation, nun exploitation, zombie exploitation, and even cannibal exploitation (check out Cannibal Holocaust for the definitive example of that type). Filmmakers started to create films that would be shown in a grindhouse environment not only due to their low budget, but because of their built-in shock value.

As the "me generation" of the seventies gave way to the "me-me-me generation" of the eighties, grindhouse theaters lost their audiences (or found new ones and became adult theaters). Those hungry for a little more meat to their films had to slink away to conventions and buy grainy videotapes of grindhouse features or relish the few slasher flicks that tried to pick up the mantle of the heady days of their predecessors. For the next 20 years, grindhouse was buried under a glut of John Hughes films not to see the light day until a little thing called the Internet came along. The Internet made it easy to get grindhouse features and long out of print titles like The Last House on the Left and God Told Me To suddenly were re-released in DVD glory. They quickly found a new and eager audience and a "neogrindhouse" movement began.

In 2004 we were a happy ship of movie-goers. We loved our sequels (Shrek 2, Spider-man 2, Meet the Fockers, The Bourne Supremacy) as well as creepy digital animated features (The Polar Express). But this was also the year that "neo-grindhouse" found true boxoffice success with nasty little piece of work entitled Saw and its memorable tagline: "How much blood would you shed to stay alive?" With Saw, America discovered that we liked our movies a bit grimier, darker, and violent. Saw wasn’t a great horror movie nor was it all that exploitative,
but it struck a chord. It was
the lone challenger to the what many believe was the best neo-grindhouse
movie of 2004, The Passion of the Christ. Hollywood likes to copy success and before long
we were up to our severed heads in movies that were truly built to
shock a cynical and jaded audience.

Hostel finger scene	Wolf Creek Finger Scene

The Bottom Line
If you like this sort of stuff, you’ll like both of these flicks so go watch them. Actually, if you like this type of movie you probably already own the unrated, special edition versions. If you haven’t seen them and you’re unsure of ultraviolent grindhouse, don’t take this blog as a reason to go get them and "experiment." Maybe start somewhere a bit lower on the intensity scale. Or get the R-rated versions.

If you’re ready for it and want some other recommendations, check out The Hills Have Eyes, High Tension, and The Devil’s Rejects, all which feature some sort of finger mangling.

There are some things in life that you just need to do. Like when your aunt is having a birthday and you’re expected to get dressed up in your little suit and bring her a present knowing full well that she’s going to want to give you a big old makeup kiss on the cheek. Or when that phone keeps ringing from that friend you told you’d help move…"just give me a call when you’re ready." Call it what you will (a well-defined guilt complex?) but sometimes you just have to bite the bullet and do what needs to be done.

Sometimes watching bad movies can be like that too. I’ve reached the point in my life where I have less time to watch movies but plenty of time to collect them. As a friend once pointed out with my music collection, what’s the point in collecting something if you don’t enjoy it? If you’re just buying something to have it you’re not a connoisseur, you’re a fanatic.

So I’ve spent the past couple months in fanatic mode. I knew there was a problem when I found movies stashed away that I didn’t remember buying. I stopped, took a breath and cursed the Media Play that closed in my town for their fantastic 70% off on the movies I love. I knew it was time to stop buying and start enjoying some bad movies again. The first one I put in was a little gem from 1979: The Magnificent Butcher. I’m always a bit leery of any comedy filmed in cultures other than the west or Great Britain. Jim Carrey I get. Peter Sellers I get. But I don’t always understand what’s happening when I don’t get the language.

I have to admit I was a bit worried about this one, which has been hailed as a comedic kung fu masterpiece. I was pleasantly surprised by everything about this movie. A delicious almost Shakespearean tale of deceit and redemption that’s filled with some of the best kung fun you’ll ever want to see.

Pretty fly for a fat guy

See the masters
fight with paintbrushes! See brother take on brother in the fattest
battle ever captured on film! See the drunken boxer beat up the son of
the master of the celestial hand! See…well, you get the idea.

Sammo Hung is the mind behind this flick. Mr. Hung (best known to the west for his role in TV’s Martial Law) had already shown his chops as a villan in Bruce Lee’s 1973 epic Enter the Dragon before partnering up with fellow humor-fu champion Jackie Chan in the later 70s for a set of comedic opuses such as Enter the Fat Dragon, Close Encounters of the Spooky Kind, and Project A. These are movies that forever changed the face of comedy action films from the east (and earned incredibly large amounts of money).

Sammo the manno

Not content to beat the dead horse of his new genre, Sammo once again changed gears and directed a true opus: Once Upon a Time in China (which stars a little unknown actor named Jet Li). This one is truly worth getting. Actor, director, choreographer, kick-butt fighter, and chunky dude. Someone put this man on a stamp!

The Magnificent Butcher finds Sammo in fine form. The comedy is truly funny at times, the fights are nicely done and have plenty of variety to keep even the casual kung fu-ian interested, and the characters are well-fleshed out. Eastern cinema (especially period pieces) can sometimes throw the casual viewer on a roller coaster of odd pacing, strange dialog and too many characters with braids. But here you have a set of clearly defined characters playing out a storyline with clever twists and turns.

Leonard Nimoy?

But above all else, get this movie for the fight scenes. My favorite scene pits two masters against each other as one tries to write a letter and the other tries to make a mess of the paper. Competing with hands, feet, and paintbrushes, the battle grows in intensity as it goes along. There are also fights with fans, coins, knives, poles, and a weird guy who acts like a cat. Okay, I can buy the tiger paw or crane style of kung fu, but when you come at me to scratch out my eyes I’m going to kick your butt just out of precedence.

What’s the deal with this guy?

This movie is a pure joy from a time when kung fu movies were simpler, more innocent. Get it and enjoy it with your friends and family. You’ll find it’s got a bunch more butt whooping than RV or Nannie McPhee.

Everyone knows about dinosaurs. For the sake of people living in
Kansas, the dinosaurs were giant reptiles that ruled the earth for
millenia before succumbing to the generally-accepted catastrophe of
global cooling due to the inability to adapt. It’s a simple
concept…big asteroid hits, clouds of dirt go up into the atmosphere,
sunlight is blotted out, planet cools, dinosaurs shiver curl up and
die. To be fair, the alternative version is that Adam and Eve ate them all during their Friday night
lizard-B-Qs.

This
great cool-off (second in history only to the reaction of my senior
homecoming date) changed the world as we know it. But some critters did
survive. They were the smaller animals that had hair and could burrow
down where no one could find them. These were the mammals and they are
our ancestors. So much for intelligent design.

Okay, maybe that’s a bit strong. But unintential fun
short movies are as close as your browser. Put the reach of the
Internet together with the beauty of "public domain" and you’ll get the
Internet Archive. This non-profit foundation was founded to
create a true online library featuring permanent access to everyone to
digital media collections. It’s a great web site and I’ll give you the
URL later (if you get it now, you’ll just go storming over to it and
skip the rest of my blog).

Perversion for Profit
Anti-pornography
film produced by financier Charles Keating, linking pornography to the
Communist conspiracy and the decline of Western civilization.
http://www.archive.org/details/Perversi1965

Blasting Cap Danger
Shows
the dangers to which children expose themselves when they play with
blasting caps. Ironically shows how much fun they are to detonate.
http://www.archive.org/details/blasting_cap_danger

Drug Addiction
Classic "slippery slope" narrative of post-World War II stoned slackerdom.
http://www.archive.org/details/DrugAddi195

Last Date
Tells the story of Jeanne, a popular pretty girl ruined by speed and an accident. Stars Bewitched’s Dick York as an oddly too old teenager.
http://www.archive.org/details/last_date

One Got Fat
A
group of children, all wearing bizarre monkey masks, ride their
bicycles to the park for a picnic. Along the way, all but one are
eliminated for violating basic bike safety rules. I remember watching
this one in grade school.
http://www.archive.org/details/OneGotFa1963

And the list could go on and on and on. Go to the Internet Archive (www.archive.org) and poke around a bit. I guarantee you’ll find something you like.

Everyone knows about dinosaurs. For the sake of people living in
Kansas, the
dinosaurs were giant reptiles that ruled the earth for
millenia before sucumbing to the generally-accepted catastrophe of
global cooling due to the inability to adapt. It’s a simple
concept…big asteroid hits, clouds of dirt go up into the atmosphere,
sunlight is blotted out, planet cools, dinosaurs shiver curl up and
die. Or Adam and Eve ate them all during their Friday night
lizard-B-Qs.

This
great cool-off (second in history only to the reaction of my senior
homecoming date) changed the world as we know it. But some critters did
survive. They were the smaller animals that had hair and could burrow
down where no one could find them. These were the mammals and they are
our ancestors. So much for intelligent design.

Bad movies can be like this. There are the big dinos of the breed
("Showgirls", "Heaven’s Gate", "Body of Evidence", "Troy"). These are
the easy ones to spot; the movies that everyone puts on their
list. But I like the smaller ones…the ones that have burrowed away
thinking they’re out of the limelight…biding their time until they
can remerge as rulers of the planet.

Okay, maybe that’s a bit strong. But unintential fun short movies are
as close as your browser. Put the reach of the Internet together with
the beauty of "public domain" and you’ll get the Internet Archive.
This non-profit foundation was founded to create a true online library
featuring permanent access to everyone to digital media collections.
It’s a great web site and I’ll give you the URL later (if you get it
now, you’ll just go storming over to it and skip the rest of my blog).

My favorite part of the Internet Archive is the "Moving Images"
section, and in particular the Prelinger Archives. The Prelinger
Archives was founded in 1983 by Rick Prelinger in New York City and grew into a collection of over 48,000
"ephemeral" films.
Its goal remains to
collect, preserve, and facilitate access to films of historic
significance that haven’t been collected elsewhere.

The Prelinger Archive includes awesome films
produced by and for many hundreds of corporations,
nonprofit organizations, trade associations, community and interest
groups, and educational institutions. The online collection currently contains over 10% of the total
production of ephemeral films between 1927 and 1987, and it may be the
most complete and varied collection in existence of films from these
poorly preserved genres.

Here are some of my favorites from this collection.
(All are available to stream or download).

Perversion for Profit
Anti-pornography film produced by financier Charles Keating, linking
pornography to the Communist conspiracy and the decline of Western
civilization.
http://www.archive.org/details/Perversi1965

Blasting Cap Danger
Shows
the dangers to which children expose themselves when they play with
blasting caps. Ironically shows how much fun they are to detonate.
http://www.archive.org/details/blasting_cap_danger

Drug Addiction
Classic "slippery slope" narrative of post-World War II stoned slackerdom.
http://www.archive.org/details/DrugAddi1951

Last Date
Tells the story of Jeanne, a
popular pretty girl ruined by speed and an accident. Stars Bewitched’s Dick York as an oddly too
old teenager.
http://www.archive.org/details/last_date

One Got Fat
A group of children, all wearing
bizarre monkey masks, ride their bicycles to the park for a picnic. Along the
way, all but one are eliminated for violating basic bike safety rules. I
remember watching this one in grade school.

And the list could go on and on and on. Go to the Internet Archive (www.archive.org) and poke around a bit. I
guarantee you’ll find something you like.

Supposedly, there are only seven plots in entertainment:

• Overcoming the Monster
• Rags to Riches
• The Quest
• Voyage and Return
• Comedy
• Tragedy
• Rebirth

However, sometimes a movie transcends these and goes off into its own direction. Motel Hell is one of these, and probably creates another couple types of plots along the way.

When Motel Hell released, I was too young to see it.
However, I will never forget the sense of awe when I picked up the
horror magazine Fangoria #9 and saw the unforgettable image of a bloody
chainsaw wielding maniac wearing a pig’s head.
At that moment I knew this movie would be like no other. So when I did
finally get to see it, I had already built it up to be the stuff
nightmares are made of.

So is it? Well, as so often is the case, the reality of the horror didn’t quite live up to the hype of the pig head. But Motel Hell
delivers the goods in so many other ways. It’s easily one of the best
movies you can watch with your depraved friends and enjoy from
beginning to end.

Directed by Kevin Connor, the auteur who brought the world The Land that Time Forgot (and the logical sequel The People that Time Forgot) Motel Hell
was released in 1980 and starred film legend Rory Calhoun as Farmer
Vincent. Calhoun (best known for his film work in the 50s (and TV work
afterwards) had worked with some of the great cinema sirens: Marilyn
Monroe, Betty Grable, Lauren Bacall, Robert Mitchum…But in Motel Hell, he’s
paired with a couple of women who serve as the other two legs of a love
triangle so twisted it would make Tommy Lee blush. One is sweet Terry,
a 20-ish blonde woman rescued from a car accident he deliberately
causes and his sister Ida (great character actor Nancy Parsons, best
remembered as Porky’s Balbricker).

With me so far? Well it doesn’t get any more "normal" than that. Vincent and Ida run the Motel Hello (which becomes the title location after a clever neon malfunction). They also make a little extra ching by selling Farmer Vincent Meats
with the tagline "It takes all sorts of critters to make Farmer
Vincent’s fritters." We soon learn just what it’s the "Jim" that makes
these Slim Jims special. Oh yes, Vincent’s been a bad boy and has been
mixing people into his sausages.

But before you can say "Soylent Green," let’s take a moment to consider Vincent and Ida’s methods. The process begins by causing car accidents using methods like setting giant bear traps
in the road to burst tires or setting up a herd of fake cows to slow
the cars down so Vincent could shoot the tires. After the accidents,
they sneak up and knockout the victims with gas. Then a short tractor
trip back to their secret garden where the victims are buried up to
their necks, their vocal chords severed, and gunny sacks placed over
their heads. Then Vincent
and Ida tend to them, feeding and talking to them as they fatten up.
Once they’ve "ripened", it’s harvest time. Telling Ida that the process
must be humane, Vincent creates a hypnosis device that lulls the "crop"
into a trance before they are plucked out of the ground by a noose to
the neck tied to a tractor.

Much hilarity ensues as Terry (the young girl "adopted" by Vincent and Ida)
slowly figures out what’s going on in the family abattoir. She plies
her feminine wiles on Rory, much to the chagrin of Ida who tries to kill
her. She then turns to Sherriff Bruce (Vincent’s cousin) who immediately
falls in love for her. As in any great love story, the results are
disastrous…Bruce turns against his family, Ida meets a horrible
death, and Vincent puts on the pig’s head and grabs a chainsaw.

There’s a lot to like in Motel Hell, including the fact that MGM has released it paired with the wonderfully creepy Deranged. This was the first retelling of the Ed Gein story (the bachelor farmer from Wisconsin who influenced Bloch to write Psycho and Hooper to write Texas Chainsaw Massacre).
Having these two films together for a low price is a rare find…it’s a
shining example of the way things should be in Bad Movie Land!

PROS

• Wonderfully original — the rare movie that treads ground very few walk (even by today’s standards)
• Watch for a fun cameo by Wolfman Jack as a TV preacher and an early minor role by Cheer’s John Ratzenberger (as a member of the rock band Ivan the Terrible)

CONS

• Could’ve used more pig head

MEMORABLE QUOTES
Sometimes I wonder about the karmic implications of these actions.(Vincent)

BOTTOM LINE
If weird is your cup of tea, then check into Motel Hell (okay, I know that’s really cheesy…how about "Grab this movie — you’ll never look at beef jerky the same way again).

Supposedly, there are only seven plots in entertainment:

• Overcoming the Monster
• Rags to Riches
• The Quest
• Voyage and Return
• Comedy
• Tragedy
• Rebirth

However, sometimes a movie transcends these and goes off into its own direction. Motel Hell is one of these, and probably creates another couple types of plots along the way.

When Motel Hell released, I was too young to see it.
However, I will never forget the sense of awe when I picked up the
horror magazine Fangoria #9 and saw the unforgettable image of a bloody
chainsaw wielding maniac wearing a pig’s head.
At that moment I knew this movie would be like no other. So when I did
finally get to see it, I had already built it up to be the stuff
nightmares are made of.

So is it? Well, as so often is the case, the reality of the horror didn’t quite live up to the hype of the pig head. But Motel Hell
delivers the goods in so many other ways. It’s easily one of the best
movies you can watch with your depraved friends and enjoy from
beginning to end.

Directed by Kevin Connor, the auteur who brought the world The Land that Time Forgot (and the logical sequel The People that Time Forgot) Motel Hell
was released in 1980 and starred film legend Rory Calhoun as Farmer
Vincent. Calhoun (best known for his film work in the 50s (and TV work
afterwards) had worked with some of the great cinema sirens: Marilyn
Monroe, Betty Grable, Lauren Bacall, Robert Mitchum…But in Motel Hell, he’s
paired with a couple of women who serve as the other two legs of a love
triangle so twisted it would make Tommy Lee blush. One is sweet Terry,
a 20-ish blonde woman rescued from a car accident he deliberately
causes and his sister Ida (great character actor Nancy Parsons, best
remembered as Porky’s Balbricker).

With me so far? Well it doesn’t get any more "normal" than that. Vincent and Ida run the Motel Hello (which becomes the title location after a clever neon malfunction). They also make a little extra ching by selling Farmer Vincent Meats
with the tagline "It takes all sorts of critters to make Farmer
Vincent’s fritters." We soon learn just what it’s the "Jim" that makes
these Slim Jims special. Oh yes, Vincent’s been a bad boy and has been
mixing people into his sausages.

But before you can say "Soylent Green," let’s take a moment to consider Vincent and Ida’s methods. The process begins by causing car accidents using methods like setting giant bear traps
in the road to burst tires or setting up a herd of fake cows to slow
the cars down so Vincent could shoot the tires. After the accidents,
they sneak up and knockout the victims with gas. Then a short tractor
trip back to their secret garden where the victims are buried up to
their necks, their vocal chords severed, and gunny sacks placed over
their heads. Then Vincent
and Ida tend to them, feeding and talking to them as they fatten up.
Once they’ve "ripened", it’s harvest time. Telling Ida that the process
must be humane, Vincent creates a hypnosis device that lulls the "crop"
into a trance before they are plucked out of the ground by a noose to
the neck tied to a tractor.

Much hilarity ensues as Terry (the young girl "adopted" by Vincent and Ida)
slowly figures out what’s going on in the family abattoir. She plies
her feminine wiles on Rory, much to the chagrin of Ida who tries to kill
her. She then turns to Sherriff Bruce (Vincent’s cousin) who immediately
falls in love for her. As in any great love story, the results are
disastrous…Bruce turns against his family, Ida meets a horrible
death, and Vincent puts on the pig’s head and grabs a chainsaw.

There’s a lot to like in Motel Hell, including the fact that MGM has released it paired with the wonderfully creepy Deranged. This was the first retelling of the Ed Gein story (the bachelor farmer from Wisconsin who influenced Bloch to write Psycho and Hooper to write Texas Chainsaw Massacre).
Having these two films together for a low price is a rare find…it’s a
shining example of the way things should be in Bad Movie Land!

PROS

• Wonderfully original — the rare movie that treads ground very few walk (even by today’s standards)
• Watch for a fun cameo by Wolfman Jack as a TV preacher and an early minor role by Cheer’s John Ratzenberger (as a member of the rock band Ivan the Terrible)

CONS

• Could’ve used more pig head

MEMORABLE QUOTES
Sometimes I wonder about the karmic implications of these actions.(Vincent)

BOTTOM LINE
If weird is your cup of tea, then check into Motel Hell (okay, I know that’s really cheesy…how about "Grab this movie — you’ll never look at beef jerky the same way again).

Last week’s PETA demonstration in downtown Fargo
featured a woman sandwiched between sheets of plastic with fake blood
poured all over her. I guess it was supposed to be a comment on our
relationships with animals but all I could think of was Motel Hell. Any card-carrying member of PETA would hate this movie.

When Motel Hell was released, I was too young to see it.
However, I will never forget the sense of awe when I picked up the
horror magazine Fangoria #9 and saw the unforgettable image of a bloody
chainsaw wielding maniac wearing a pig’s head. A pig’s head!! At that moment I knew this movie would be like no other. So when I did
finally get to see it, I had already built it up to be the stuff
nightmares are made of.

So is it? Well, as so often is the case, the reality of the horror didn’t quite live up to the hype of the pig head. But Motel Hell
delivers the goods in so many other ways. It’s easily one of the best
movies you can watch with your depraved friends and enjoy from
beginning to end.

Directed by Kevin Connor, the auteur who brought the world The Land that Time Forgot (and the logical sequel The People that Time Forgot) Motel Hell
was released in 1980 and starred film legend Rory Calhoun as Farmer
Vincent. Calhoun
was best known for his film work in the 50s (and TV work afterwards).
He had worked with some of the great cinema sirens: Marilyn
Monroe, Betty Grable, Lauren Bacall, Robert Mitchum…But in Motel Hell, he’s
paired with a pair of women who serve as the other two legs of a love
triangle so twisted it would make Tommy Lee blush. One is sweet Terry,
a 20-ish blonde woman rescued from a car accident he deliberately
causes and his sister Ida (great character actor Nancy Parsons, best
remembered as Porky’s Balbricker).

With me so far? Well it doesn’t get any more "normal" than that. Vincent and Ida run the Motel Hello (which becomes the title location after a clever neon malfunction). They also make a little extra ching by selling Farmer Vincent Meats
with the tagline "It takes all sorts of critters to make Farmer
Vincent’s fritters." We soon learn it’s the "Jim" that makes
these Slim Jims special. Oh yes, Vincent’s been a bad boy and has been
mixing people into his sausages.

But before you can say "Soylent Green," let’s take a moment to consider Vincent and Ida’s methods. The process begins by causing car accidents using methods like setting giant bear traps
in the road to burst tires or setting up a herd of fake cows to slow
the cars down so Vincent can shoot the tires. After the accidents,
they sneak up and knock out the victims with gas. Then a short tractor
trip back to their secret garden where the victims are
buried up to
their necks, their vocal chords severed, and gunny sacks placed over
their heads. Vincent
and Ida tend to them, feeding and talking to them as good farmers do.
Once they’ve "ripened", it’s harvest time. Telling Ida that the process
must be humane, Vincent creates a hypnosis device that lulls the "crop"
into a trance before they are plucked out of the ground by a noose to
the neck tied to a tractor.

Much hilarity ensues as Terry (the young girl "adopted" by Vincent and Ida)
slowly figures out what’s going on in the family abattoir. She plies
her feminine wiles on Rory, much to the chagrin of Ida who tries to
kill
her. She then turns to Sherriff Bruce (Vincent’s cousin) who
immediately
falls in love with her. As in any great love story, the results are
disastrous…Bruce turns against Vincent, Ida meets up with a group of
the garden people in a dark alley, and (best of all) Vincent puts on
the pig’s head and grabs a chainsaw.

There’s a lot to like in Motel Hell, including the fact that MGM has released it paired with the wonderfully creepy Deranged. This was the first retelling of the Ed Gein story (the bachelor farmer from Wisconsin who influenced Bloch to write Psycho and Hooper to write Texas Chainsaw Massacre).
Having these two films together for a low price is a rare find…it’s a
shining example of the way things should be in Bad Movie Land!

PROS

• Wonderfully original — the rare movie that treads ground very few walk (even by today’s standards)
• Watch for a fun cameo by Wolfman Jack as a TV preacher and an early minor role by Cheer’s John Ratzenberger (as a member of the rock band Ivan the Terrible)
• Watch it with your PETA friends and watch them cringe at the slaughterhouse scenes
  

CONS

• Could’ve used more pig head
  

MEMORABLE QUOTES
Sometimes I wonder about the karmic implications of these actions.(Vincent)

BOTTOM LINE
If weird is your cup of tea, then check into Motel Hell (okay, I know that’s really cheesy…how about "Grab this movie — you’ll never look at beef jerky the same way again).

Supposedly, there are only seven plots in entertainment:

• Overcoming the Monster
• Rags to Riches
• The Quest
• Voyage and Return
• Comedy
• Tragedy
• Rebirth

However, sometimes a movie transcends these and goes off into its own direction. Motel Hell is one of these, and probably creates another couple types of plots along the way.

When Motel Hell released, I was too young to see it.
However, I will never forget the sense of awe when I picked up the
horror magazine Fangoria #9 and saw the unforgettable image of a bloody
chainsaw wielding maniac wearing a pig’s head.
At that moment I knew this movie would be like no other. So when I did
finally get to see it, I had already built it up to be the stuff
nightmares are made of.

So is it? Well, as so often is the case, the reality of the horror didn’t quite live up to the hype of the pig head. But Motel Hell
delivers the goods in so many other ways. It’s easily one of the best
movies you can watch with your depraved friends and enjoy from
beginning to end.

Directed by Kevin Connor, the auteur who brought the world The Land that Time Forgot (and the logical sequel The People that Time Forgot) Motel Hell
was released in 1980 and starred film legend Rory Calhoun as Farmer
Vincent. Calhoun (best known for his film work in the 50s (and TV work
afterwards) had worked with some of the great cinema sirens: Marilyn
Monroe, Betty Grable, Lauren Bacall, Robert Mitchum…But in Motel Hell, he’s
paired with a couple of women who serve as the other two legs of a love
triangle so twisted it would make Tommy Lee blush. One is sweet Terry,
a 20-ish blonde woman rescued from a car accident he deliberately
causes and his sister Ida (great character actor Nancy Parsons, best
remembered as Porky’s Balbricker).

With me so far? Well it doesn’t get any more "normal" than that. Vincent and Ida run the Motel Hello (which becomes the title location after a clever neon malfunction). They also make a little extra ching by selling Farmer Vincent Meats
with the tagline "It takes all sorts of critters to make Farmer
Vincent’s fritters." We soon learn just what it’s the "Jim" that makes
these Slim Jims special. Oh yes, Vincent’s been a bad boy and has been
mixing people into his sausages.

But before you can say "Soylent Green," let’s take a moment to consider Vincent and Ida’s methods. The process begins by causing car accidents using methods like setting giant bear traps
in the road to burst tires or setting up a herd of fake cows to slow
the cars down so Vincent could shoot the tires. After the accidents,
they sneak up and knockout the victims with gas. Then a short tractor
trip back to their secret garden where the victims are buried up to
their necks, their vocal chords severed, and gunny sacks placed over
their heads. Then Vincent
and Ida tend to them, feeding and talking to them as they fatten up.
Once they’ve "ripened", it’s harvest time. Telling Ida that the process
must be humane, Vincent creates a hypnosis device that lulls the "crop"
into a trance before they are plucked out of the ground by a noose to
the neck tied to a tractor.

Much hilarity ensues as Terry (the young girl "adopted" by Vincent and Ida)
slowly figures out what’s going on in the family abattoir. She plies
her feminine wiles on Rory, much to the chagrin of Ida who tries to kill
her. She then turns to Sherriff Bruce (Vincent’s cousin) who immediately
falls in love for her. As in any great love story, the results are
disastrous…Bruce turns against his family, Ida meets a horrible
death, and Vincent puts on the pig’s head and grabs a chainsaw.

There’s a lot to like in Motel Hell, including the fact that MGM has released it paired with the wonderfully creepy Deranged. This was the first retelling of the Ed Gein story (the bachelor farmer from Wisconsin who influenced Bloch to write Psycho and Hooper to write Texas Chainsaw Massacre).
Having these two films together for a low price is a rare find…it’s a
shining example of the way things should be in Bad Movie Land!

PROS

• Wonderfully original — the rare movie that treads ground very few walk (even by today’s standards)
• Watch for a fun cameo by Wolfman Jack as a TV preacher and an early minor role by Cheer’s John Ratzenberger (as a member of the rock band Ivan the Terrible)

CONS

• Could’ve used more pig head

MEMORABLE QUOTES
Sometimes I wonder about the karmic implications of these actions.(Vincent)

BOTTOM LINE
If weird is your cup of tea, then check into Motel Hell (okay, I know that’s really cheesy…how about "Grab this movie — you’ll never look at beef jerky the same way again).

There’s something wired into our brains that drives us to make
connections between seemlingly unconnected items or events. It’s almost
as if we’re compelled to make associations. This desire
to place patterns on everything is stronger than you may think. Why else do
we play our children’s birthdays as lottery numbers, or have a
superstition, or read horoscopes? Why else would someone keep trying to
figure out their in-laws? I suppose it’s some sort of cosmic joke on
the human
race: "You will spend all together too much time looking for a thread
of consistency that may not even exist. Oh, and you will also be afraid
of spiders." (okay, the last one is just for me).

Back
in college my roommate and I had plenty of time. Families and real jobs
were still a few years away, so we spent our time considering the
implications of associations across the universe. At this time we both worked at a video
rental store and the store located next to us sold frozen yogurt. It was
marketed as the new treat and the people who served it were
just so excited about it that they would give tastes away for free. And
not only did they offer free tastes, but they insisted. This seemed strange to us because we had just seen The Stuff. We made an association to these two seemlingly unrelated events.

The Stuff
is a fun movie, albeit one that can drive paranoid association makers
crazy. It’s directed by Larry Cohen, the mind behind classic screen gems including It’s Alive, Q, and God Told Me To. It’s a story about a material that looks like
marshmallow creme that bubbles up out of the earth. What does the
first person do when he encounters it? Well, he tastes it. That’s
right, he finds a pool of white "stuff" in the ground and he puts it in
his mouth. Hmm. And as a reward for this "only-in-the-movies" action,
it takes over his body. Okay, now even I have trouble buying this
opening, but its a plot device that gets us into the movie, so I’ll let
it go.

Soon we find out that the Stuff can grab any idiot by the brains who will put it in
his mouth. And by doing so, it creates quite an army of Stuff
Zombies. A fun aspect of the movie is that they’re only normal on the
surface. Beneath the surface, we discover they’re full of the Stuff
(and we even get to see it come out of them in a quite a few scenes). But in order for it to really reach the mass
adoption rate it requires for total domination of the planet, the stuff
needs the Madison Avenue treatment. So apparently it locates some
agency people and becomes The STUFF®. It even gets a tagline: "Enough is not Enough with The STUFF®."

Once it’s marketed on television commercials, The STUFF® is in everyone’s houses (rapidly replacing all other food in their refrigerators). "Normal" people begin recommending it to their friends…and parents to their kids. There are some creepy scenes when a kid refuses to eat it even though his entire family keeps pushing it and pushing it at him (remember the frozen yogurt story??)

"Go ahead, try some."

Plot devices drive this child (Scott Bloom from Who’s the Boss) to team up with our heroes Michael Moriarty (as a corporate spy trying to find out the secret recipe of The STUFF®, Andrea Marcovicci (an ad agency rep in the irritating female lead role), Garret Morris (as Chocolate Chip Charlie, kung fu expert and cookie maker put out of busines by The STUFF®), and Paul Sovino (head of a ultraconservative paramilitary outfit). The pitch meeting for this movie must have been one for the ages. This ragtag group of misfits finally stops the marketing might of The STUFF® and saves the world. I recently picked up this movie and rediscovered just how fun it is. It’s got a great paranoid feel to it and actually has some decent commentary on how substances that aren’t healthy are literally shoved down our throats by advertising and marketing. I know that Bad Movies don’t usually have relevant points to make, but this one actually does. But then it slinks back to where it came from and gives us some great icky scenes. Back when we were in college, we saw The Stuff as a cautionary tale, a warning of sorts of what can happen when you don’t think for yourself. We pledged never to eat something that just might be The STUFF® in hiding. For us, it was frozen yogurt. As it was offered, we politely declined always saying the same thing: "When the world goes to hell, we’ll be the only sane ones left to save it."	The Kid
	The Spy
	The Ad Rep
	The Cookie Maker
	The Lunatic

PROS

• Sneaks in a few actual messages
• Features a number of decent actors acting silly
• Great special effects — make sure you watch for Garrett Morris’ big scene at the end

CONS

• It ends way too quickly and cleanly…it’s almost like the scriptwriter ran out of ink

Bottom Line
This
is a rare find: a bad movie that also has some decent comments to make.
Plus it’s a fun movie. Just remember to stay away from the frozen
yogurt.